A couple of days ago I got nominated for the “Bloggers Recognition Award”! Totally a surprise and unexpected, but it made my day! My new sweet friend Shawna is who thought of me when she was returning the love and I feel so special and so blessed, thank you, girl!
Shawna over at Whole, Hearty, Happy , between being a mom and running a blog full time, she knows how to keep herself happy, healthy, and fit! As much as I might not be applying the stuff that I have read from her, I do enjoy reading it and I am storing it away for the day I get my butt in gear!
Thank the Blogger that nominated you!
Write a post to show your award!
Give a brief story of how you started your blog
Give two pieces of advice to new bloggers!
Select 15 Bloggers, you want to give this award to!
Comment on each blog to let them know you have nominated them, also link your post to their nomination!
The other day I was writing a comment about how long I hade been blogging and I started to say, a little over a month, but then I did the math and I have been blogging for nearly five months! How crazy is that, time sure does fly by when you are having fun and this experience has been so amazing for me.
I started my blog simply because I was having way too many conversations with myself and there was so much I wanted to get out of my head and share with the world. I toggled around the idea of starting a blog off and on for years, but one day really started wondering if I could or should and then went to work asking those I love most their take on it. I was welcomed with encouragement and pretty much, you’ll have to try it out to really see what you think.
I tried it and I liked it and I am so excited to see where God is going with it.
I have met some pretty wonderful people through blogging and have really gotten to see other’s hearts. In this day and age people are so disconnected because of all the technology in our lives and social media platforms like Facebook and Twitter and Snapchat. Even though blogging is online, you really get to see people in a way that you just don’t get to sitting at the same table with a phone in your hand. It sounds so backward to want to make a connection with someone through the very thing that has broken the connections in the world. But I will take what I can get.
Plus, if I get to share the love of Jesus while I am doing it, that’s just an added bonus.
Be unapologetic – your blog is a reflection of who you are and what you want to share with the world. No matter what your topic is, it is yours and no one can take that away from you. Be unapologetic in all that you do and all that you say, even outside of the blog world. You only get one shot, make it count 😉
Be transparent – maybe your blog is like a diary to you and is therapeutic more than anything. But maybe you want more out of it and you want to teach others something or show them something they have never seen before. Whatever you do, however you say it, do it with transparency. Real and raw and open. In whatever you do, let your light shine. 🙂
The moment you have all been waiting for and my most favorite part of this award, sharing the love! Here are my nominees;
The Silver Lining – Angela is quickly becoming one of my favorite blogger friends! Simply due to her sweetheart and love for Jesus! Her blog is full of love and everything that it is, be sure to check it out, you won’t be disappointed and you just might fall in love with her too.
Diary of the Mad Katter – I love this blog and have since I first started blogging, mostly because the author is so sweet and fun to talk to from time to time. Her blog is filled with everything under the sun and you will be sure to find something that interests you if you go for a visit!
Cries from an unkempt garden – To say I love this blog would be an understatement. Lisa and I share a similar battle in life and I can always find common ground when I visit her blog, plus be sure to feel tons of emotions when I am reading her work. Go check her out and stay awhile, you will thank me later.
Journal of A Lucid Narrative – Oh how I love this blogger! Adea is real and raw and totally herself! She makes you think and she makes you want to keep reading. Go check her out!!
Candidly Christian – If you know me, you know why I love this blog! If you need a go to place for encouragement and to better connect with yourself and God on a spiritual level, this is the place to go!
Blue Settia – we only recently became friends. But I love her blog! There is just something about a genuine person that I find appealing, and she’s got that going for her!
Milk and Honey Faith – I met this sweet lady in a blogging community on facebook and she has given me a new perspective on blogging and all that it is and all that it can be, while just straight up loving me at the same time. She holds a special place in my heart. Plus her blog is fancy and totally worth checking out!
When Do I Get the Manual – To say I love this girl would be an understatement, but we will just leave it at that. Her blog is in my top five favorites and I always look forward to seeing what she has come up with next. Plus she’s from Ireland, so that’s cool too, ha!
Courtneyisms – Courtney is my kind of girl and her blog has it all. You hungry, she’s got it. Looking for a laugh, she’s got it. Maybe want to shed a tear, she can do that too. Go check her out!
This grateful mama – I love mommy blogs! Especially when they love Jesus too! Getting to see perspective from other mommies is never boring and I always learn something new!
Meatballs and Butterflies – a fun blog to go to if you want a real mom living life in the real world. I always enjoy her posts and her sweet spirit!
Lance Price Blog 2017 – Mr. Lance has been so encouraging to me over the past couple of months. His articles are thought provoking and help me to dig deeper into my relationship with the Lord. Love him and his blog!
Be Salt and Light – Another favorite blog in my top five. Jaymi reminds me a lot of me and I love seeing her journey each week with the Lord. It’s so much fun to see what she does in her church and all of the great stories she shares about Jesus!
Beauty from Ashes – I love Abbey’s heart and the beautiful photos she posts! I am so jealous that she has seen these things in person. She’s just another girl searching for Jesus in this great big world!
Filled Cup – I only recently discovered this amazing blog! I just love the way she has put it all together, amazing inspiration! Go check her out, you won’t be sorry!
Please take the time to go check out their blogs, go by and read at least one post and tell them I sent you! They deserve it and you might find something you really like along the way 🙂
I just want to Thank Shawna again for nominating me! It was so sweet and such a surprise and it truly made my day! Thank you, girl!
You probably read that title and thought, what? Is she crazy? Maybe a little bit. But this was not crazy at all. It was beautiful and sad and perfect all during my Thursday lunch break.
A couple of weeks back my boss gave me a gift card to go get my footsies done. I have been putting it off for days and finally decided I was going to shave my legs this morning and go get those puppies done. I do not like to go get my toes done very often and by that I mean once a year, maybe, mostly because I do not like people touching my feet and whenever they do I cringe and have so many insane emotions than run through my body as it is happening. So, if you ever watch me get a pedicure it is pretty entertaining, to say the least.
Today was no different than any other day and this pedicure trip was going to turn out just like the rest. Me sitting uncomfortably in a chair that is supposed to be super comfortable as it massages you, but the fact someone is touching your feet and doing crazy things to them takes away any enjoyment that the chair may bring you. But to my surprise when I got to the salon, my favorite one in town, by the way, I sat down to what looked like a ten-year-old boy who was going to do my toes.
I was already super concerned about how this was going to pan out, but now I have a ten-year-old doing my pedicure?! I seriously thought that I came at the wrong time of the year if they let their children give pedicures during the summer. This was promising to be everything I hoped for and then some. I begrudgingly got in the chair and allowed him to start my pedicure. I decided I was going to be nice whether I liked it or not because I only had an hour and I wanted this to be over as soon as possible.
In the first couple of minutes, I kept my nose in my phone so I didn’t have to watch the torture that was mine. But every time I looked down to see how it was going, he would smile back up at me with the sweetest grin and absolutely no idea that I hated pedicures or cared about how young he was. I kept that up for a while trying to ignore him and that he was touching my feet. But once he started getting to work on my callous I could not hold it in anymore and we both started laughing so hard. He looked at me like I was crazy, as did every other person in the salon as I tried to explain to them all how I hated my feet being touched and this part of the pedicure is always the worst for me.
Now that the mood was lightened for everyone and I no longer had my nose in my phone. I was able to take in this person in front of me. A couple minutes before, the lady next to me was making conversation with her tech and mine and had asked their ages (they both looked incredibly young) as we found out her tech was twenty-four and mine was twenty! No way, not possible, you look like a ten-year-old. I’m sorry, but you do. As I started to study him I noticed that he did not look like a ten-year-old at all and instead looked like a young man and indeed could potentially be twenty years old (I still refuse to believe it).
My tune started to change as the pedicure went on. He was being “gentle” with me but not lacking in the services he was performing so I was distracted from the usual torture and as I took in all of who he was I started to notice some interesting things about him…
He had scars, so many scars on his legs and his wrists and his arms. Every time he looked up at me and gleamed the scars would disappear and then when he looked away and got back to massaging my feet, I noticed all of the pain he was wearing and my heart began to break. What in the world could be causing this beautiful soul so much pain to make him want to harm himself? What is going on in his life or that he has been through to cause him so much pain that the only way he could find an escape from it all was the release in putting a razor blade to his skin?
He noticed that I noticed them and hesitated for a moment and tried to hide them, but ever so swiftly to not put any pause in the work he was doing. I instantly stopped looking and started praying. God, take his pain away. Maybe his pain has been gone for a long time and he’s overcome whatever he’s been through, I pray that he has, but if he hasn’t, take this cup from him. Heal him, Lord, from the inside out in a way that only you can. Love him, God, so deeply that peace would overwhelm him and the darkness would flee from his life. Thank you, God, for bringing me here today, so that I could see him and fall in love with someone so special…I know this pedicure and this moment was set up by you and I am so thankful to be here today. Thank you for coming with me to get my pedicure. Thank you so much, Lord.
The rest of our time spent together was about the same. My phone died (in the yellow I might add). I think God wanted me to soak it all in and just enjoy this moment for what it was. I have never had a more perfect pedicure before in my entire life and as I sat there contemplating how much of a tip to give him I instantly thought, ten should be nice. Then I argued no, twenty, this was a free pedicure and I really want to bless him today and bring some light to his world. But then God said, no, match it. Match it? Yes, give him what you would have spent if you paid for it yourself. Okay God, if that is what you want me to do.
As the final minutes were coming to a close and he was getting to the painting of my toes, an older lady walked in, you could tell she was a regular. She said she needed a pedicure and her nails done and that she wanted the sweet girl who did them for her last time to do them. She looked over at me and said, oh good she’s here! She thought my tech was a girl! He looked at me, obviously offended as any man would be and tried to ignore her and finish my toes. She then came and sat down in a chair one over from me and was talking to the lady starting her pedicure and asked if her daughter could please do her nails because she really enjoyed it so much last time (still talking about my tech) and his mom said yes and he noticeably got upset, but then shot her the sweetest grin when she looked his way. I felt so bad for him, and no one was going to tell her she was wrong. But this moment was just a glimpse of what his pain must be like, so heavy and so deep, but the second that someone looks his way he flashes the most beautiful grin their way.
Before I knew it he was finished and it was time to go, I honestly was not ready to at this point. I did not even care that it had taken thirty minutes longer than I had planned. He gently put my flip flops back on so as to not mess up my paint and then came to my side and helped me out of the chair as he asked me if I was happy and did he do a good job. I sheepishly said yes, and told him to have a wonderful day as I walked to the counter to pay.
The guy said that’ll be two dollars. I handed him my debit card and he asked if I had any change and I told him no because I wanted to leave a tip. He asked me how much of a tip I wanted to leave and I smiled as I said thirty-five dollars. He shook his head and looked over at my tech and said, you want to leave him thirty-five dollars? Yes sir, thirty-five dollars. Signed for it and walked out the door with the biggest grin on my face, because I just got a pedicure with Jesus.
In April of 2010, I quit using meth and other illegal narcotics cold turkey. I did not go to a rehab or slowly cut back, I decided that I did not want to live my life like that anymore and I was so very tired of going through what I was going through and that I had enough. I got to the point where I wasn’t using recreationally anymore, but I was waking up wondering how I was going to get high and spending the day making sure that I did.
I was no longer working, my car had gotten repossessed, I was less than 100lbs and I was burning bridges left and right to the point where my friends were getting tired of me too. I had been arrested and just spent the last year on probation, where my drug use got heavier as I became depressed and felt like my future had been ruined. I had spurts of positivity where I would do something really amazing to try and make others around me proud of me, which was always just a cover up for what I was really doing. One of which was me starting college (during the heaviest time of my using) and never attending any of my classes because I was too high or asleep from being up for days.
The whole year of 2009 was jam packed full of insanity for me. My life had completely become unmanageable and it was time for a change. The options before me were going to jail, die or start over and change.
My road to sobriety was unconventional, to say the least. I have always been stubborn and strong willed, so if I was going to get my life back on track I was going to do it my way and on my own terms. I knew that I needed to get out of the environment that I was in and ultimately cut off everyone that I knew or had been around for the last couple of years. I did not want to escape reality and instead wanted to face it head on with my family by my side and clinging to Jesus. I chose to go spend the next month in St. Louis with my sister and her family. Over 9 hours away, with no vehicle to escape in if I could not handle the pressure and disconnected from all the people and things that would normally suck me back into the lifestyle I had become a pro at living.
While I was at my sister’s I tried to engage myself in activities that would not only distract me from the desire to go home and use again. But that would better me as an individual and put me on the right path to staying clean long term. I did this through starting to exercise, something I had not done in years and my body needed desperately, attending church regularly with my sister and her family, as well as attending a small group with her a couple times a week. I read my Bible daily, started a devotional that would help me to grow in the Lord and just poured my heart and soul into becoming the person who I knew God created me to be. I started to gain weight, I cut all of my hair off and I was finally becoming happy with the person I saw looking back at me in the mirror. I now had hope, goals, wants, desires and was content with doing whatever it was that God wanted me to do. I was on fire in every sense of the word and a force to be reckoned with!
I know I make getting clean sound easy, but it is actually one of the hardest things that I have ever done. Not even from the physical aspects of it, but everything tied into using mentally and emotionally. In order for me to truly change and move forward I had to come to terms with where my life was at and who I was in that moment; an addict. Labeling yourself an addict is not an easy thing to do and it is not something that makes you feel good on the inside. However, doing so gives you a sense of empowerment of your life and the will to move forward. I say this because, if you do not know what the problem is then you do not know what to fix, but once you found what the problem is you can start working on getting it done.
No matter what type of recovery group you attend whether it be AA, NA, CA, SA, HA, SAA, WA, CR or the alike the first step is always going to be the same;
Admitting that your life has become unmanageable and that you do not have power of your addiction, hurt, habit or hang-up. i.e. Coming out of denial.
For me, however, I found myself (which I would not know until much later) following the 8 Recovery Principles that are based on the Beatitudes and my step one was more like this;
Realizing that I am not God; admitting that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life had become unmanageable.
I knew that in order to truly change that I was going to have to let God do the changing in me. I needed to let go of myself and relinquish the control of my life over to Him. This was something that I would need to do every day, for the rest of my life if I wanted to make sure that I never used again. It would be years before I discovered a Christ-centered recovery group that would help me to dig deeper into my issues and continue to better myself for the long-run, but I will talk about that another time…
Beautiful Southern Heart
This is part 1 in my ongoing recovery series, for the introduction and the rest of the series you can find them here.
Note: If you would like to find out more about faith-based Recovery programs in your area, visit Celebrate Recovery and click on CR Groups. Feel free to email me for more information on where to find a group in your area.
It’s been awhile since I sat down to write something for my blog. I could give you a laundry list of excuses as to why, but I simply just haven’t had the time to and haven’t had anything inspire me to do so. With that being said, I have missed it. I have missed getting on each week and sharing my thoughts on life and things going on around me. I have missed the interaction with others and seeing how they have benefited or related to something that I wrote. I have missed the lessons that I inevitably taught myself along the way through writing something that was more for me than it was for you.
I have decided that I do not want to go weeks again without writing and am going to do a short series to keep myself motivated and make sure that I am writing something new each week. The series will be over my experience in recovery and the twelve steps that you can walk through to get there too. Without further ado…I want to discuss something that has been weighing on my mind lately and I have found brought up in discussion with my friends and family many times. The introduction to the series…
You have seen me talk before about my strong desire to help people, see people change for the greater good, for their greater good. In my life testimony, I talk about how it was one of my greatest struggles and quite honestly one of the hardest lessons that I have ever had to learn; that you cannot help someone who does not want to help themselves. As much as I would like to tell you that I have reached the full understanding of this notion, it is still something that I struggle with today. Thankfully on a much smaller scale, but even still I find myself wanting to help someone be a better version of themselves and come out of the darkness that they are hiding in.
I struggle more today with allowing myself to help someone because I know that they are the ones that have to help themselves and unless they want to, there’s a good chance I am going to feel like I have failed in the end. The struggle comes from feeling as if it is easier to just give up and walk away rather than extend a lending hand in their time of need. Learning to find the balance between supporting them and enabling them or ultimately harming myself in the process, is a battle that I feel I will rage for years to come.
It is funny to me because I know that the best way I could help someone who is determined to destroy themselves or unwilling to come out of denial that they are in; is through prayer. I know that I do not have an ounce of control over whether or not they put one foot in front of the other and move forward in their life, but I still cannot help but feel even more powerless when I do nothing at all. I do pray for whoever it is and whatever their situation may be, but then I give up too easily and find myself eager to walk away and just let it be. Saying, they’ll come around when they are ready, I’ll be here when they do.
But I do not like that way of thinking. It makes my heart feel heavy and sad. It makes me feel like a bad person for allowing someone to wallow in whatever detrimental life that they are choosing and sit back and act as if I do not notice. It makes me remember how I wish someone would have pushed through my stubbornness when I was an active user and been there by my side, instead of waiting on the other. Do not get me wrong here. I am not trying to contradict myself because I know that I know, you cannot make someone want help and you cannot make someone follow the right steps that it takes to get better, do better, be better or have better. But at what point do you stop trying? At what point do you give up? At what point do you keep going? At what point do you choose another angle? At what point do you stay instead of walk away, without getting hurt in the process.
I have found that equipping others with the right tools that they need to succeed is a start.
Loving them unconditionally through their ugly without judgment is not only necessary but one of the most important things that you can do for them.
Not only praying for them but praying with them will impact them more than you could ever imagine and will give you the strength that you need to walk through this journey with them.
Being consistent and setting a good example that they can follow is not only important to them but important for you so you can remain firm in your foundation.
Setting boundaries and abiding by them, at all cost.
Holding them accountable and allowing them to do the same to you.
Never make promises that you cannot keep or do not intend to because they merely sound good in the moment and you think it will make it better. It won’t.
Do not be afraid to give tough love. It can be extremely painful and really scary. But in the end, even if you feel like you are pushing them away. One day, they will thank you for it.
Remember that respect is a two-way street. They deserve it just as much as you do, and you cannot allow it to be waivered from you or them.
Listen with the intent to hear what they are actually saying and then respond in love.
Be honest. Even if it hurts. The truth will set you free, and they need to see that so that it can one day do the same for them.
Know this. It is okay to walk away, it is okay to allow yourself to not be a pushover, a door step, an enabler, have a revolving door in your home, be used and abused or manipulated and deceived. Not only is it okay, but it is necessary for their healing. Rock bottom is a real thing and I wholeheartedly believe that sometimes it is the only thing that will save a person and give them the desire that they need in their heart to turn their life around or whatever situation they are in that is harming them. They have to become fed up with what is going on in their life to not want to experience it anymore. They have to get tired and long for rest. They have to decide that enough is enough and that they are done. You cannot do that for them, no matter how hard you try.
Here’s the crazy thing. I’m not only referring to alcoholics and drug users. I am referring to any person that has a hurt, habit or hangup. I’m referring to your friend who is in an awful relationship that is destroying them and you are waiting for them to walk away from it. I am referring to your neighbor who has abandonment issues from their childhood and it has manifested itself as anger or resentment and now that they are an adult and you get the blunt end of the stick. I’m referring to the bully who is screaming for attention and looking for it in all the wrong places.
We are all human. We are all imperfect. We all make mistakes. We all need help. But most importantly we just want to be loved, and be happy. When someone you know and love goes looking for that happiness or wholeness in all the wrong places, don’t give up on them. Be there for them. Set a good example for them. Pray for them, every day. Be the love that they need, and let your light shine.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Beautiful Southern Heart
This article is an introduction to an 8 pt series on Recovery.
Note: If you would like to find out more about faith-based Recovery programs in your area, visit Celebrate Recovery and click on CR Groups. Feel free to email me for more information on where to find a group in your area.
Complete trust or confidence in something or someone. – Faith
I recently attended a girls night with some of my close friends. Nothing crazy, just a night away from the kiddos where we could relax and unwind and catch up with each other a little bit. Interestingly enough we got on the topic of faith and different passages in the Bible amongst other things. Since that night and thoughts coupled over the past couple of weeks I have had the topic of faith running through my mind. Hearing people say, it’s so hard to believe in something that I cannot see or understand or I’m a very literal person who has to see it to believe it, anything outside of that just doesn’t make sense to me.
As I was driving down the road the other day I thought to myself, each day that I get in my car I am trusting the other drivers on the road to follow the rules and stay in their lane and drive according to all that they learned in order to receive their driver’s license. I am putting faith in the fact that if they get behind the wheel, I am going to make it to my destination in one piece, as will they.
Just like when a light turns green, as much as everyone should, how often do we look both ways before automatically pressing the gas pedal and moving forward into the intersection? If I had to bet on it, most people are simply having faith in the fact that their light turned green and everyone else’s light turned red so that means they can move forward and they will be safe and not get hit.
How about when you go to a restaurant and your order your food from a complete stranger. You go there doing so with faith that you will look at the menu and order your food and that the person will get your order right. You have faith that the kitchen is clean, the people that are cooking your food know what they are doing and have clean hands too, that the food is not expired and has been stored properly and will be cooked according to how it should, the dishes being used have been cleaned properly and no longer have the germs from the person before you, as well that when you eat it’ll not only taste delicious but won’t make you sick either when it is all said and done.
You also have faith in the people that are taking care of your children for eight hours a day, whether this is at the public school that they attend to get an education or the day care that they go to because you have to go to work and are unable to stay at home with them. You trust that they will get fed, be kept clean (for the most part), not get any injuries, and be treated with love and admiration in the same that you would if you were with them too.
Don’t forget about your doctors and the hospitals, when you are sick and in need of some sort of medical advice, these are the people that you turn to for help. These are the people that you put your faith in to keep you alive and help you get well when you are ill. These are the people that when something terrible is wrong and you’ve looked up every symptom you can think of, you turn to them for guidance and understanding to save you because you cannot do it on your own.
Just to make sure I am covering my bases here because I know everyone lives a different life. Maybe you do not own a car or have never driven one, so this doesn’t apply to you. Maybe you do not eat our at restaurants because you prefer home cooked meals or simply cannot afford them. Maybe you are a stay at home mom and you homeschool your children and never let them out of your sight. Maybe you do not go to the doctors and have found out how to naturally take care of yourself and none of these examples apply to you.
But what about when you wake up in the morning and you go outside. Without even thinking twice about it, I bet you have faith the sun will rise. I bet you know that the moon will be in the sky as will the stars when the sun goes down. In the same place, in the same way, never changing, every single day. I bet that when you breathe in deep you expect your lungs to fill with air and send oxygen throughout your body and to your brain. I bet that as you are reading this now and you put your hand across your heart, you are expecting to feel it beat and pumping blood throughout veins keeping you alive.
With all the examples given above, down to your breath and your beating heart, they all can fail you. In some form or fashion the things that you easily have faith in each and every day without question, can let you down.
A person driving a car could decide not to stay in their lane and in return drive into yours. A person that is going through an intersection and sees a yellow light could easily decide to go faster rather than slow down and in return go through the light after it’s turned red, and you could meet them in the middle. You could go to that restaurant and order your food and have it come out wrong and end up with food poisoning. You could drop your kid off at school or daycare and pick them up and find a bruise on them. You could go to the doctor and get sent home because they couldn’t find anything wrong with you, only to find out you had an illness the whole time and now it’s progressed and will be harder to treat. You could even take a deep breath right now and your lung collapse and you not be able to take another. Just the same as you could put your hand over your heart and not feel a beat and keel over dead right now.
All of that sounds terrible I know because it is. But we put our faith in all of these things every single day without question, and for good reason. 9 times out 10 these things do not fail us and go according to how we believe that they should.
So here’s my question…
If you can have faith in all of these things; people you do not know and have never met and probably never will or things that you literally cannot see or have no control over. Why is that so hard to do with Jesus? Why is it so hard to believe in God? Why is it so hard to believe that there is a creator of this earth that loves you beyond human imagination or belief and that wants you to love Him back and spend eternity with Him in paradise?
Sure, as a human the latter is a much bigger pill to swallow especially because you cannot see it or begin to fully fathom it to understand it and you have to completely put your trust in it. But what makes that any different than the former?
Now faith is the confidence of things that are hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. This is what the ancients were commended for. By faith, we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. Hebrews 1:1-3
It blows my mind all of the things that we will put our trust in confidence in and walk around with faith in, even when we have seen these things fail us. But have such a hard time in putting our faith in something good. Something wonderful. Someone that created you simply to be loved by you. The most beautiful love story that there every was and you are one of the main characters and you do not want to be a part of it. It seriously blows my mind.
Lately, I have found myself in this weird sort of limbo. I’m not exceedingly happy and I am not sad or angry, mostly just confused and a little out of sorts. There have been a lot of changes going on in my life in the recent weeks along with life feeling busier than ever. We are coming to the end of a lot of different seasons all at once in our household and I am ready for the fog to clear, but mostly a little excited to see what is on the other side.
My son graduates from Kindergarten on Thursday. I’m not sure what more there is to say about that. He’s now experienced a full year in school away from home and outside of the world that I built for him and into the world that I know I cannot save him from. I realize he is only going into the first grade, but it is still a huge milestone. Not to mention how much he grew in one year, mentally and physically, it’s almost mind blowing. I am hoping to really soak up the days I have with him this summer, outside of me going to work of course and strengthen the bond we have because he is such a momma’s boy and he’s really my best friend.
In addition to Kindergarten graduation, baseball season ends on Thursday too. We wait for it all year and then it finally comes and it sucks the life out of you for a couple of months until you cannot wait for it to be over, and then you are sad because you cannot wait for it to start again. He was so much fun to watch this year, again, amazing to see how much he’s changed between last year and now and how he’s not afraid of the ball anymore and is actually a pretty great batter. It gets me all in my feels when I think about it.
Then there is my youngest son. My sweet baby Kory, that is not a baby anymore. Just a couple more weeks of us being cautious with night time undies and then he is potty trained for good. Completely independent of any need for me anymore, not that he needs me for that now anyhow, but whatever denial I am living in now will no long exist and the last thing that made him a baby will disappear with it. It is heartbreaking, to say the least, but so incredibly overwhelming to watch the little man he is turning into and him finally starting to grow out of this terrible stage that he’s been in for the past two years. He took terrible two’s and terrifying three’s to a whole new level. But he wouldn’t be who he is if he had not. I love every part of who he is and cannot wait to see what that means later on down the road.
Amongst the swirl of feelings surrounding my children, I have been working on myself a lot lately. Both physically and emotionally and as always, spiritually. I was driving to work this morning and realized that I haven’t taken any anxiety medication (both prescribed and natural) in over a month. I have probably only used oils to combat what felt like the onset of something a handful of times and without realizing it, have been walking around completely anxiety free. I should be jumping up and down and be doing cartwheels and screaming from the top of a mountain, but I am mostly shocked by this realization. I have had to deal with it for so long it doesn’t seem real that it is gone, but I am thankful. I have a few more tests in my near future to see how ‘real’ it is ( but I’ll share that with you anther time).
I’ve also adamantly been losing weight. Most people gawk when I tell them this and then drop their jaw when I tell them how much I’ve weighed for the last year, because I somehow carry it well, but let’s just say that I am obese according to medical charts and not the healthy weight for my height. I have lost 10lbs so far and more inches than that, I feel pretty good about myself and the effort that I have put forth, but I know I have a long way to go. The real test will come in July when I am back in Jamaica and climbing that mountain at the end of the week…
I’m not sure what the immediate future holds or how I will feel in the next few weeks to come, but I am truly excited to see what God has in store for me and my little family. I have never liked change very much, but the older I get it grows on me and I sort of look forward to it. Until next time…
It is amazing what we can do and think in this world based off of what we have been told from a lie. It is even more amazing how much of us are walking around in denial believing that the lie is the truth and refusing to see anything else for what it truly is. This is the reality we live in today, and it’s sad. I am no exception to this, as much as I would love to say otherwise.
I have been talking back and forth with different people about this subject and decided it was time to touch on it from my view and what I perceive to be the truth. If what’s true for you is true for you and what’s true for me is true for me, what if one of my truth says your truth is a lie? Would it still be true?
Think about it.
If you live in the same world that I do, whether you are a Christian or unbeliever, you have at some point been in the argument or read one regarding opposing views on just about anything that someone can come up with to oppose someone else on. Some of the more popular arguments surround religion, race, politics, and health. In any case, a large majority of our population cannot disagree with someone in a calm cool and collected way without ultimately ending up with hate in their heart or a burnt bridge, all because of a matter of difference in opinion.
When arguments like this ensue, they might not start around religion, but almost certainly always end in it and the end result is usually that Christians are too judging and are not loving the way they are supposed to if they can’t accept the way someone else is living or behaving. I am here today to put an end to this argument and settle this once and for all, if you will let me.
My mom and I were recently discussing the difference in judging someone and holding someone accountable for their actions. The line between the two often gets blurred when someone is doing something they do not want to do and need an excuse to keep doing it and ultimately make them feel better about the choices they are making. But here is the thing that most Christians do not tell you or often leave out in the heat of the moment.
We sin too, no differently than you do. There is no greater sin than another and we all fall short of the glory of God, and that’s okay,. No matter how hard you try you are going to continue to sin because you are human and sin is in the world and we are in the world with it. The good news is; Jesus came to save us from that sin so that we do not have to be condemned by it and if we so choose, get to spend eternity with Him in Heaven. What once used to separate us from God, sin, no longer does because He sent His son to die for our sins and because of His blood that was spilled, we are no longer bound by it. Pretty amazing right?
With all of that in mind, here is where the tricky part comes into play. As a Christian, you, simply put, deny yourself and choose to believe that Jesus died on the cross to save you from your sins. In believing this you are choosing to start a relationship with Him and follow the rules and instructions that He has laid out for you. This does not mean that everything you have ever done has instantly been erased. That does not mean that you are now a perfect human being with the inability to sin or do no harm. That does not mean that the you who once was will automatically become someone different.
It does, however, mean that everything you have ever done in your past has been forgiven. It does mean that you are accepting the fact that you are a broken sinner who needs a savior and will continue to sin but live your life in a way that pleases God and in doing so will over time start to sin less and less out of love and obedience for Him. It also means that although you are still who you are; through the reading of His word, prayer and beginning to walk in a close and personal relationship with Him, you will be transformed by the renewing of your mind and in that, become a reflection of Christ Himself. It also means that this is something that you have to choose every single day to do over and over again because if you do not, then your flesh will win and the picture that people have in their heads when they hear the word Christianity or Jesus will remain to be what it is today.
So what is my point? Where am I going in this “argument”?
There are many things, that we as Christians, are called to do as we follow Christ and the example He set before us. One of which is to hold others accountable for their sin so that they can to be saved from it. Not judge them for their sins so that you can feel better about yourself because you can’t and you won’t.
Matthew 7:1-5 says, “Do not judge others, or you too will be judged. For in the same way that you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why would you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take that speck out of your eye’ when all of the time there is a plank in your own? If you do this, you are a hypocrite, and you should first take the plank out of your own eye so you then will see clearly enough to remove the speck from your brothers”.
That is pretty straight forward if you ask me. This passage simply states, that we are all sinners and my sin should not go unnoticed simply because someone else’s sin is apparent and out in the open. I should work on my own sins and pray for and be an example to my brother so that he can work on his too. If I do not do this and instead judge him for his sins, then I will reap what I sow and it will not be pretty.
We are also called to restore our brothers and sisters gently. Galatians 6:1-2 says, “Brothers and sisters if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves when you do, because you may also be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
Again, a pretty straightforward request that gets skewed time and time again. This passage says to me if someone you know is doing something they should not be doing, as a loving friend, tell them what they are doing that is wrong. But watch out, because it is easy to get caught in the same sin with them. Regardless, we should carry each other’s burdens and support one another and in doing so we will be doing as Christ has asked us to do.
The last one I am going to share with you, which is pretty stinking important, and is the one that gets messed up the most. Matthew 18:15-17 which says, “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won the over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or tax collector.
God intended for us to look out for one another and to help each other when we lose our way. This passage tells us to go to our friend if they are doing something that is harming themselves and to tell them what is going on, just to them and not to someone else. If they do not want to listen to you, then try it again in front of two or more people so that the effort does not go unnoticed and you have witnesses to strengthen the argument. If they still will not listen, take the matter to the church so they can handle it there and if even then they will still not listen, then walk away because there is nothing you can do about it and you cannot let them bring you down and brought into their sin with them.
This is the moment you have all been waiting for, my point.
When someone is trying to live their life, holy and pleasing to God and they find fault with a choice that you are making in yours, it is not because they want to judge you or condemn you for what you do. They first, don’t have the power to and they know that they don’t. But more than anything, are just trying to hold you accountable for something that has been made clear to them that is not right and that is displeasing to God. If Christians watched their family and loved ones make decisions that they know are against Gods will and say nothing about it, they are no better than the person that is committing the sin. If Christians just kept their mouths shut and never told you that something you are doing is wrong and that there is a better way to live your life, the world that they too live in would soon become hell on earth, but worse, you would never get to know about Jesus.
Therefore, let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling-block or hindrance in the way of your brother. – Romans 14:13
Let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins. – James 5:20
Here is the thing y’all. God put us on this earth to love and be loved because He is love. There is not one single individual on this planet that God does not love and that He would not want to spend eternity with Him. But the cool thing is that He gave you the ability to choose, free will. He is not going to force you to love Him. He is not going to force us to all get along or to do the right thing and because I know that, I want you to know it too. I want you to feel the same love and peace and hope and joy and blessings that I feel every single day. I want when I go to Heaven, to see you there too. But I cannot do it on my own and neither can you. Iron sharpens iron as one man sharpens another (Proverbs 27:17), I need you to tell me when I am in the wrong so that I can tell you when you are in the wrong and no matter what love each other through it, deal?
Mother’s Day is soon approaching and I want to be excited about it, but at the same time, I don’t really want to get my hopes up, because it could be just like any other day. Writing that down for all to read makes me feel silly, but I am sure I am not the only mom to have that thought cross their mind as this day approaches each year.
As a child, I looked forward to Mother’s Day! I know that may sound weird because it did not benefit me in any sort of way. But I loved making my mom feel special and trying to figure out how I could do it without her ever knowing or without help from someone else in the process. When you are a child, your options at this point are limited but when you use your imagination and search all over your house, you can usually come up with something good. My surprises were never unique. They usually consisted of breakfast in bed, a clean house when she came home from work (deep clean, dusted shelves and all), whatever flowers I could find near our home and a homemade card that would probably have a coupon or two for hugs and kisses or back massages inside. You know the typical gifts that a kid can give. Regardless, I always felt like I was winning when I gave them to her and I loved seeing how happy she was when I would.
As you can see, I set the bar high for those to follow when I became a mom and I could not wait for the day that I would once get to experience the same love from my children and my bonus, my spouse.
Now that I am a mother, I get to experience the joys of being on the receiving end as well as continue to give to my own mom and now my mother in law. But the crazy part is that it is not all that it is cracked up to be and the things I want the most are usually the last thing that I receive. Sure, who doesn’t love to be showered with gifts and told “Happy Mother’s Day!” a billion times from every passing human being simply because you are a woman and they assume you must be a mom (which lucky for them I am, but it must be really weird for all the ladies who aren’t and get told so anyway). I really do not care about all of that stuff. I just want my love language to be met by those closest to me, with sincerity and what looks like little effort applied.What is my love language you ask? Do you know yours? You should look it up, and then think about if applied, how your mother’s day could be the best one ever. My love language is easy, acts of service coupled with quality time. These two are literally tied for the two most important things to me in any given relationship. I don’t need words of affirmation, even though they are nice to hear from time to time. I don’t need physical touch to tell me that you love me, even though I love hugs and will gladly take them and give them out. I could care less about being given a gift, although I will take them happily and not complain one bit because who doesn’t love presents!
My perfect mother’s day consist of getting to be as lazy as I want, while those around me do all of the heavy lifting, all of the cleaning, all of the cooking, and any other normal mommy chores while I get to be in their presence and soak up every ounce of who they are, because that is what makes me the happiest girl in the world. Being with my boys.
Breakfast in bed, I’d love that. A clean house from top to bottom, my favorite thing ever. Handmade cards with fun little coupons inside, what could be cuter than that? Handpicked flowers from all around our home, one of my favorite things from my boys. Spending the entire day with my boys doing nothing and not having to worry about a thing, my jackpot.
It is funny when I look back and think about it. All of the things I used to do for my mom are all of the things I want most now that I am a mother. I don’t know if this is coincidence or if it means me and my mom are a lot alike or that she hated everything I ever gave to her because it was my love language and not hers (I’m sure she didn’t hate it either way).However, it’s interesting to think about, and I suppose I will have to ask her what her favorite Mother’s Day ever was and see if any of my gifts hit the mark.
What are your thoughts on Mother’s Day? Do you have any great stories from when you were a child and what you did for your own mom? Or do you have any stories as a mother and how amazing the day has been for you in years past? What would your perfect mother’s day consist of? I want to hear them!
Either way, it’s all just temporary. Mother’s Day is every day of the year when you are a mom.
I was raised in the church, from the womb to the crib at the church nursery, and from then on out. The church was all that I had ever known and understood as the way of life for everyone, and because of this, I came to know Jesus from a very young age. I believe I was seven years old the first time I asked Jesus into my heart and then about eight the first time I was Baptized. I was a young girl that was ignorant in so many ways, truly naïve to the world and all that it had to offer, and blind to deceit or the reality and the weight that I would soon learn that it held.
In a nutshell, I was a very happy-go-lucky kind of girl! Trusting to everyone and knew no stranger. I had a huge heart that wanted to help anyone in any way that I could, you know, a save the world kind of girl! That was me, the best friend, the teacher’s pet, the girl who wanted to do anything and everything as long as it put a smile on her face and everyone else’s around her. I continued to attend church regularly with my family and then with my friends as I got into middle school. Then before I knew it I was thirteen, and that’s when everything started to change for me.
I guess you could say I became your “typical teenager” with a few quirks here and there. I was involved in sports and was on our high school drill team. I had a ton of friends and was in most of the advanced classes, as well as the top 10% of our class. I was super active in the youth group at the local church in our town and until then, I was just living life and enjoying being a kid. You could say it all changed when I fell in love with a boy, although, the changes had already started happening to me before then and I just hadn’t noticed it yet. A year before this time, my sister got married and had a baby. This, in most people’s worlds, is a huge blessing and a happy time in life. But for me, it felt like I was being left behind, that my sister was being taken away from me, and that no one really cared about what I had going on anymore. Silly to think about now, but it was a harsh reality for me then.
So here I am, thirteen and deeply in love with this boy, like head over hills crazy in love, do stupid stuff with a boy in love. That’s right, at the very young age of fifteen I lost my virginity. Instead of living my life for Christ like I was born and raised to, I started living my life for a boy and pretty much worshiped the ground that he walked on. I would have done anything for him, seriously, anything. Anything at all that I felt would make him happy or have him love me the way that I loved him. I went as far as to give my body to him, something I said I would never do until I was married. I completely blew off anyone and anything that had ever mattered to me so I could devote myself to him, and before I knew it, I wasn’t just in love with a boy anymore, I was on drugs and had fallen in love with them too.
The drugs were my choice. I want to make that abundantly clear for anyone who may every think or feel otherwise. He hated the fact that I did drugs or that I changed an ounce of who I was as time went on and our relationship grew. But it didn’t matter, I was going to do what I wanted to do because I wanted to do it no matter what it cost me. I lost all of my friends, I dropped out of school. Not once, but three times, before never going back at all. Then, once it was too late and I had dug the hole so deep that I could no longer see the light anymore, I turned back and he was gone too. All that I had then was the drugs and the friends that I found through doing the drugs and all of the people and places that came with it. When he was no longer there to devote myself to, I just found something new or someone new to devote myself to and every single time, it turned out to be a huge lie and a waste of my time.
I had this way of finding “new projects” if you will, something that I could devote all of my time and pour all of my energy and focus into. These projects usually consisted of the new boyfriend who I loved so much and that was so amazing and had every problem under the sun. But I never let that get me down because I was there to save him! I was going to make it all better. I was going to fix him. I was going to make all of his problems going away. Or a friend, that was “worse off” than I was and that tooneeded to be saved. This was a constant in my life. No matter what I did or all of the crazy that I put myself through I did not see how badly I was hurting myself in an effort to save someone else, or how bad I was hurting those who truly loved me and cared for me instead. Regardless, I continued down this path and no matter what had happened with the other people before them I kept pushing thinking it would be different this time. I could never understand why it always ended in defeat and why no matter how hard I tried, I could never save them, it never worked. It would be a long time before I learned the powerful lesson as to why.
This went on for years. I found myself constantly complaining and whining about how all I ever did was give of myself and I would never expect anything in return, yet I was continuously getting stomped on and let down by everyone and all I could scream was why?! Sure, my family was always there to tell me exactly why, but I never wanted to hear it. They were the last people I wanted to listen to because I didn’t think they would understand and there was no way I was about to admit to them that what they were saying was true and that I was wrong. At this point, I was in a continuous cycle of deceit. All of which I had brought upon myself and as far as I was concerned there was no way of coming back from it, plus, I didn’t believe I was doing anything wrong. Even though I was lying to my family, my friends, to myself, and most importantly to God. Even though I was having sex, and doing drugs like there was no tomorrow, had dropped out of school, and everything stupid I could think of in between. I was only doing it for a good cause! I was trying to help people here. What was wrong with that? I never went out of my way to hurt anybody and in the times that I did, I never meant to do it. The only person I truly ever thought I was hurting was myself, and that didn’t bother me because I was strong and kind and I had God on my side! I could handle everything, right? Give me a cape and call me superwoman! That was what I thought. But I was wrong, so so very wrong.
Fast forward six years down the road, I had now been to jail and was put on probation for a year, a year that would soon become one of the worst years of my life. What once had started out with me being young and in love and on a mission to save the world, ended up with me being promiscuous and having sex out of wedlock, smoking pot every day all day and living life as one of the biggest potheads in Gladewater, Texas (I’m sure there were bigger, but you get my drift). On top of that, I had spent the last six years in what seemed like a continuous party, sleeping on whoever’s couch would have me and coming home after being gone for days at a time. I had eventually tried every drug in the book at least once, if not a couple of times, and had lied to every single person that I had known in some way or another. In my drunken stooper, I was raped, twice. I put myself in the most dangerous situations that one could imagine. I was stealing, cheating, lying, abusing others, and being abused, I was prideful, stubborn, conceited, unemployed, and I had eventually lost my car. I was slowly losing my family, on top everyone else in my life that I had already pushed away. I didn’t care if I was alive or dead. I attempted suicide once, or twice, gosh I lost count, but at that point, I just didn’t care anymore. Before I knew it I was eighteen years old, and before the clock had struck twelve on my eighteenth birthday, I was on meth (it was literally a birthday gift to me). This started the downhill spiral that led me to my bottom, which I would discover over the next two years.
I sounded like a trooper if you ask me. All the crap I put myself through and I was still here. Never once forgetting who Jesus was or where I was headed if I kept up that life.
Honestly, I cannot say that the life I was living didn’t bother me because that would be a lie. All of it did. No matter how far I took it or how much time had passed or how much I said or showed differently, I cared. But I was lost. I was so far beyond being buried in deceit, I had dug a hole so deep and ran from God for so long that I truly believed there was no turning back, that I could not be saved.
Looking back, I cannot tell you the first thing that sparked my mind or heart to want to change and just take that first step. I give credit to a lot of different things and some very important people in my life that were a part of this time, and a part of what got me to that point. The reality is, I was tired. I was past the point of giving up, and in my experience, I had discovered giving up had gotten me nowhere, because after I had given up I was still here. I was still alive, and I knew there had to be a good reason why. So, I finally decided the bad was bad. No, it was horrible beyond words or human belief. It was the bottom of all existence and everything I ever was or thought I could be. I was done.
Growing up in the church I had always heard that God would never allow me to go through more than I could handle, even if I dragged myself through it, He was still in control. I have later learned that it is just a twist on His truth, but it has definitely got me through some hard times over the years.
The following summer I decided to visit my sister in St. Louis. At the time, her living so far away was a sweet escape for me when life was kicking me down. I could always count on her to take me in and love me exactly the way that I was, plus it didn’t hurt that I had a key. On this trip, I got the chance to take myself out of “my world” and be in a completely different environment. This, of course, was not the first time I had done that. But this time I had a completely different motive in mind. I attended church with her each Sunday while I was visiting and her church was doing this mini-series on super sizing your life. I cannot remember the significance of the lesson now, what was said in which moment or why, but I do remember everything just starting to click for me.
Through all the insanely horrible things that I had put myself through, God kept showing me mercy, time and time again. He was always there, watching over me and keeping me safe. No matter what new dark place I could find to try and run and hide too, He was there. I was running from Him and He was chasing me, wanting so badly for me to come back to Him, just waiting for me, patiently. It didn’t matter how badly I had stomped on Him or how many times I had rejected Him or how long that it took for me to come home. He was still there. Ready and waiting, with arms wide open, just waiting for me to accept.
All of the years that I had spent hurting myself, I blamed the devil. I blamed everybody and everything for what was going on around me, for where I was at in life. Then that day, in my sister’s church, it all made sense to me. Are you ready for it? In order to be changed and to leave it all behind and to be happy and peaceful and full of life, with Jesus Christ himself, to love Him and to have a beautiful relationship with Him, I had to let go; of me.
and I did y’all. That same day and I have never been the same again.
Today marks seven years of my sobriety.
They say that after seven years that every cell in your body has died at some point and regenerated, so to me that means I am a brand new person today, just like I was seven years ago when I decide to stop running and give it all to God. Seven years later I am happily married with two gorgeous boys that I am so very much in love with, and our family dog Charlie. I have graduated from college twice now and am now working on my third degree, my masters! We bought our own home a few years back, we own two cars, and we are still in debt, but it’s just a footprint from the life we are living. We attend church regularly as a family and are all very involved in our community. Every year God continues to mold me and grow me into this beautiful human being that I never thought I could be and the best part about it is; I am human. I am not perfect. I stumble, like every day y’all. I fall. I make plenty of mistakes and yet, every time I do, my God is there to forgive me. He is there to dust me off and pick me back up again and that is something that will never change!
This morning I woke up late because I had a bad dream, it was a dream about my husband doing horrible things to me and my world crumbling back down to what it was before, it was a nightmare and it woke me up in bad mood. After I got up one thing after another kept happening to me to make me upset. My son peeing all over the middle of the floor, my water bottle spilling all over the counter because I forgot to put the cap back on, it was payday and my check had not come in yet, and from where I was standing my day was going to suck.
My husband urged me to let it go and not let it ruin my day, he’s a smart man.
But then God reminded me. You have a son! You have a job! You have a counter and water to spill on that sucker. You are blessed beyond belief and today you are a new woman! Hallelujah!
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child and I reasoned like a child; now that I am a woman, I am done with my childish ways and I have put them behind me! 1 Corinthians 13:11
Have you ever went through life assuming you knew how someone else felt about a particular situation or thing, based off of what you know about that person or how you felt at that time. In that assumption, did you take your word for it and never venture to find out if it was true and move on with life because you were satisfied with the truth that you had given yourself, even though you were not 100% sure that it was the truth at all. Even after not knowing and feeling whatever type of way your truth left you with, you still did not try to dig deeper or simply ask to see what the real truth was, maybe even letting years go by before eventually finding out the truth and then feeling dumb because you were wrong the entire time. It didn’t happen that way. Things could have been different. But you stuck with your truth and here you are now and there’s nothing you can do about it, but accept it.
This past weekend I got to go on a trip with one of my childhood friends to see our best friend so we could make plans for her upcoming wedding, and get away for a couple of days. It was a pretty great trip when it was all said and done and I am glad that I went on it. It was an experience I was not planning on, to say the least, and something that ultimately left me feeling satisfied yet indifferent.
The trip started out with me spending five hours in the car with a girl that I had not been around alone, or much at all for that matter, for over ten years. This same girl used to by my best friend. We grew up with each other from a small age and were nearly inseparable through middle school and high school. We had a lot in common, similar personalities, and had this overwhelming need to compete with each for everything (in a healthy way of course). She and I and three other girls (including the one who is getting married) ended up in a group referred to as “the fab five”. Awful I know, but I cannot make this stuff up. We did not give ourselves that name if it makes it any better, but if you saw one of us you saw all of us and the name got stuck with us so we ran with it. Right before her sixteenth birthday (my friend in the car with me), found out she had cancer. This was a devastating time in our lives and the initial shock of it all was overwhelming, but like any normal teenager (speaking for myself) life keeps going on, with or without your friends, whether or not cancer sneaks up and bites you.
As I have told you all before, high school was not an easy time for me. Which you are probably curious as to how now that you know that I was in a group called “the fab five”. Everything started out great for me, for us, but after she got cancer everything changed. We all changed. I’m sure this change was starting to form long before the news, but this event marked a new time in history and looking back, things were never the same after.
I dropped out of school by the time cancer was gone from her life. Meaning, I wasn’t there when she came back and I have no idea what it was like or what she came back to, I just know what it was like for me and why I was gone and how I felt when I left and why I left. I always assumed there were other reasons why she quit being my friend and “gave up on me” like everyone else, and this weekend I felt out I was completely wrong. It was totally my fault, well most of it anyhow, and had I not been in such a crappy point in my life she would have still been there and she wanted to be there, but I made that an impossible thing to do and it took me over ten years to find that out.
When we got to our best friend’s house we wasted no time getting the party started. We immediately went out and bought pizza and wine and spent the rest of the night reminiscing about when we were younger, the people we hadn’t seen in years, and filling in the gaps thereafter and in-between. We did our wedding planning like we were supposed to, but the majority of the trip was spent with us just enjoying each other’s company and hanging out like cancer never came and our lives hadn’t changed. It was an overwhelming feeling to be around two people who I know so well and have such a huge history with and that I do not get to see every day, but love so much and so deeply. It was truly refreshing to be around two people who you can just laugh with and at and never skip a beat and make you miss all the years that have gone by and cringe at the reality of how old we are getting now.
On the car ride home, it’s like we were two totally different people. Nearly strangers with fond memories as we rode to our destination, to old friends who have known each other for a lifetime, catching up after years of being apart.
There was a lot of healing that came with finding out the truth, a truth that I did not even know existed as anything less than what I thought it was, a truth that I was not even looking for and thought I already knew. There was also a lot of pain that came with finding out that truth, pain from allowing myself to assume that I knew what was true instead of taking the time to find out for myself, years ago, and missing out on having someone so near and dear to me in my life.
I cannot go back and change the choices I made or the action of allowing myself to assume I knew better. But I can move forward with knowing I was wrong and change it if that is what is in store for us now. I learned a powerful lesson this past weekend that I know is true with so many other situations in my life and throughout the world. We should never assume anything, even when the pieces look like they fit so well together, we can still be wrong if we do not take the time to find out the truth. I for one do not want to go through another experience like that again in my life and hope that the next time I am faced with a choice to assume or ask, that I ask. The outcome could possibly change my life or someone else’s. Do yourself a favor, do not assume.