Admitting you are powerless

In April of 2010, I quit using meth and other illegal narcotics cold turkey. I did not go to a rehab or slowly cut back, I decided that I did not want to live my life like that anymore and I was so very tired of going through what I was going through and that I had enough. I got to the point where I wasnโ€™t using recreationally anymore, but I was waking up wondering how I was going to get high and spending the day making sure that I did.

I was no longer working, my car had gotten repossessed, I was less than 100lbs and I was burning bridges left and right to the point where my friends were getting tired of me too. I had been arrested and just spent the last year on probation, where my drug use got heavier as I became depressed and felt like my future had been ruined. I had spurts of positivity where I would do something really amazing to try and make others around me proud of me, which was always just a cover up for what I was really doing. One of which was me starting college (during the heaviest time of my using) and never attending any of my classes because I was too high or asleep from being up for days.

The whole year of 2009 was jam packed full of insanity for me. My life had completely become unmanageable and it was time for a change. The options before me were going to jail, die or start over and change.

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My road to sobriety was unconventional, to say the least. I have always been stubborn and strong willed, so if I was going to get my life back on track I was going to do it my way and on my own terms. I knew that I needed to get out of the environment that I was in and ultimately cut off everyone that I knew or had been around for the last couple of years. I did not want to escape reality and instead wanted to face it head on with my family by my side and clinging to Jesus. I chose to go spend the next month in St. Louis with my sister and her family. Over 9 hours away, with no vehicle to escape in if I could not handle the pressure and disconnected from all the people and things that would normally suck me back into the lifestyle I had become a pro at living.

While I was at my sister’s I tried to engage myself in activities that would not only distract me from the desire to go home and use again. But that would better me as an individual and put me on the right path to staying clean long term. I did this through starting to exercise, something I had not done in years and my body needed desperately, attending church regularly with my sister and her family, as well as attending a small group with her a couple times a week. I read my Bible daily, started a devotional that would help me to grow in the Lord and just poured my heart and soul into becoming the person who I knew God created me to be. I started to gain weight, I cut all of my hair off and I was finally becoming happy with the person I saw looking back at me in the mirror. I now had hope, goals, wants, desires and was content with doing whatever it was that God wanted me to do. I was on fire in every sense of the word and a force to be reckoned with!

The FirstStepIs AlwaysThe Hardest (1)I know I make getting clean sound easy, but it is actually one of the hardest things that I have ever done. Not even from the physical aspects of it, but everything tied into using mentally and emotionally. In order for me to truly change and move forward I had to come to terms with where my life was at and who I was in that moment; an addict. Labeling yourself an addict is not an easy thing to do and it is not something that makes you feel good on the inside. However, doing so gives you a sense of empowerment of your life and the will to move forward. I say this because, if you do not know what the problem is then you do not know what to fix, but once you found what the problem is you can start working on getting it done.

No matter what type of recovery group you attend whether it be AA, NA, CA, SA, HA, SAA, WA, CR or the alike the first step is always going to be the same;

  1. Admitting that your life has become unmanageable and that you do not have power of your addiction, hurt, habit or hang-up. i.e. Coming out of denial.

For me, however, I found myself (which I would not know until much later) following the 8 Recovery Principles that are based on the Beatitudes and my step one was more like this;

  1. Realizing that I am not God; admitting that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life had become unmanageable.

I knew that in order to truly change that I was going to have to let God do the changing in me. I needed to let go of myself and relinquish the control of my life over to Him. This was something that I would need to do every day, for the rest of my life if I wanted to make sure that I never used again. It would be years before I discovered a Christ-centered recovery group that would help me to dig deeper into my issues and continue to better myself for the long-run, but I will talk about that another time…

Stay blessed,

Beautiful Southern Heart


This is part 1 in my ongoing recovery series, for the introduction and the rest of the series you can find themย here.

Note: If you would like to find out more about faith-based Recovery programs in your area, visit Celebrate Recovery and click on CR Groups. Feel free to email me for more information on where to find a group in your area.

29 thoughts on “Admitting you are powerless

  1. A strong beautiful southern heart….you should be proud of yourself that you have come out from that difficult times of your life… indeed it is an inspiring post for others who are struggling today.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Good write. Without God we are powerless. I see a lot of people saying they will find sobriety in and of themselves. I pray they break to the point of finding Jesus at the cross of salvation. I could not have done it without Him. I did not go to rehab for my drinking. I sought Jesus on my knees at the cross. I allows Him the potter and I the clay. Still doing it today. Like you said it does not stop the day we get sober it is a daily die to self. Admittance, and repentance! Thank you for sharing ๐Ÿ’œ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒบ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Lisa. Oh yes, I tried to quite by myself many times before I decided to let God take the wheel. I always went a little while without using and then would come back faster and harder each time. But cold turkey, that was all Jesus! That’s so awesome, I love hearing how God brought others out of their addictions! One day at a time! You’re welcome girl!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I wrote of my story and the prayer I said. I knew God all to well just turned my back on him. I knew I could not stop. My prayer was Lord no matter how much so alcohol I put in my cup which I will whether an inch or a whole cup make me sicker than I habe ever been before never wanting more. I got in the shower with cup in hand. Drank on sip. Dry heaves, shaking like crazy. Hardly able to stand. I had hit my end. It was Him. Last drink I have ever took. A prayer, and then the end and my coming back into Him!!!

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  3. You are an amazingly beautiful human and your words will help others as well as yourself. Please keep sharing your writing. Some days will be more difficult than others to leave the past behind you, but know that with His help all things are possible.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Jennifer. I shared my life testimony a couple of months ago and I couldn’t believe the response I got from it. I knew that God had big plans for my story then. Now that I am starting this recovery series, I am a little leary on how to do it, but trusting God to put the right words on my heart. You are right, some days are much more difficult than others. Especially with so many triggers around me (from living in the same town). But with each day that passes and the closer I grow to the Lord, it gets easier and easier.

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  4. Kristen. Congrats to your for turning your life around and recognizing the need to do so. I know it couldn’t have been easy for you and appreciate you sharing your story here. I’m sure it will inspire someone who needs it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Lisa, I appreciate that! It gets a little easier the more I talk about it. It honestly seems like a am talking about a totally different person when I do, which makes it not so bad. I sure hope so! God using my story to bring someone else to Him is all that I want!

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  5. Wow–inspirational. You are surely on your way to where you want to be in life. Good for you. I know it is challenging, and takes a lot of will-power. I used to date a heroin addict–one that hid the secret for most of our relationship , so I knew nothing about it. I was blind. But eventually I saw the signs. He confessed. A few months after we broke up, He cut me off. I didn’t know why for years…and it makes sense. I guess I reminded him of his using days so he had to cut me from his life. I respect it.
    Good for you, Kristen!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, I am trying really hard to stay on the right path for sure! That is so crazy to me. I was really good at hiding my drug use too, but I don’t know how people are able to hide it so well in a relationship. That’s always baffled me. I’m sorry you went through that. That’s a definite possibility as to why he quit talking to you. If you were a trigger for him, he might not have been able to handle it. I will talk about that later in the series though…why forgiveness is so important for long-term recovery. Thank you!

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  6. I’m proud of you, Kristen Walker. What you did with your life was wonderful. Change is the most difficult thing in life, I must admit. But you made a decision and stood by it. How sweet!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Wow! Nothing makes me happier than to see people spreading joy and positivity across the globe. Really appreciated this article and have a friend I’m sending this to that I know will appreciate it too. Thanks for giving us perspective in a complicated world… ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  8. So proud of you for opening up about your recovery. No matter if it was unconventional. God is using you & I know your word will make it “click” for someone. Best piece of advice that you said that most people struggle with is cutting out the people who you did drugs with. You can’t change without change

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, I really appreciate that. That is all I want, is for God to use it to bring Him glory! That’s the hardest part for most people sadly. It’s not an easy thing to do. Especially when you care deeply for the people that are no worse or better than you are..

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  9. When I saw this post on the Facebook feed, I knew I had to read it! Addiction has run in my family for generations and I wasn’t exempt either. Betty Ford said beating addiction is one of the hardest things you will ever do, so you’re right about that. I know the feeling of being irritated by even going to sleep, because you know tomorrow you have to spend so much time looking for pills, drugs, etc. So very proud of you! Stay badass! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Victoria! It’s funny that you say that because I had terrible insomnia when I was using and it makes a little more sense as to why. ha! My best friend sent me a picture today of her and I when I was at my lowest. The picture is disgusting, but what she wrote was sweet. “I believe statistics say that only 10% ever get clean and stay clean, 10%!” I am in that and so are you!! ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks girl!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I still have insomnia some, just from habit I guess. But, now I stay up blogging instead of worrying! I’m going to follow your blog. I saw Tiger Woods on TV the other day after his arrest stemming from prescription meds and I was so glad to be past all of that. Let’s stay a statistic. I’m with you! ๐Ÿ™‚ xo

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Such a good testimony! Thanks for sharing, your story and my husbands and mine are similiar. People want solutions, so they fight for there to be one scientifinc way to achieve recovery, but sober people often find there way to god in all different manners, and I think for people with addiction its the same. Steps one and two can happen in a variety of ways and settings, and its important to recognize the unconventional.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. As I start my own blog with the goal of transparency in mind, your post touches me deeply. What a beautiful testimony of victory in Jesus over addiction. We are all in bondage to addictions be they great or small. I think the smaller they are, the easier they are to ignore and convince ourselves we have power over them. Thank you for this testimony and reminder of Who fights for us!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Heeyyy Abbey!! Thank you so much for the kind comment. Transparency is so important in life when communicating with others, it’s a big trait I’ve been working on instilling within myself, thank you for noticing. Thank you so much, you are right! We all have addictions to some degree, that is why anyone could benefit from recovery. We are essentially recovering from living in this world! I’m excited to see where your blog takes you, good luck!

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