I slept through my alarms this morning and apparently turned them off without noticing. I went to bed a little later than usual, which I am sure attributed to my tiredness, but the past few days and weeks have been overwhelming for me. The last two, in particular, have been the most draining. I hate when this happens to me, I have no control over it and it all boils down to my emotions.
I try really hard not to question God and why He made me the way that he did. In fact, especially when I do not understand it most, I attempt to appreciate the uniqueness that has been given to me and channel it towards Him and furthering His kingdom. The past few years have been the hardest in this area because my relationship with God has grown so deeply where He is stretching me and growing me as a person, in ways that I sometimes cannot keep up with or fully understand.
This past year I struggled with anxiety, really bad. Overwhelming anxiety that was so strong every day that even with medicine it was physically debilitating. Some days were better than others and some days I was so exhausted by it that I just wanted the day to end so I could go to sleep and be free from its burdens for a couple of hours, without interruption. The hardest part about it all was not being able to control it, not being able to pinpoint the cause of it so I could attempt to fix it or make it better.
My anxiety seems to stem from deep rooted emotions for things going on around me, most usually not even my own circumstances. I truly believe that God gave me a gift to be able to feel what others are feeling and be concerned for others when they need it the most. Romans 12:15 tells us to rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. This is something that I do, even when I am not trying to or honestly do not “want to” because I just do not feel up to it, yet it is a part of who I am and I cannot hide it or change it.
Romans 12:15 tells us to rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.
Towards the end of last year, my anxiety was peaking at an all-time high. With the upcoming presidential elections and all the hate and discord that happened during that time, to ongoing circumstances in my family that I could not change fix or heal, to everyday life with my children watching them grow before my eyes and all the wonderful activities that come with it. My anxiety medicine decided to just stop working one day and by mid-morning on each day that followed, I was usually having a full blown panic attack. Thankfully, through prayer and my favorite essential oils, I was able to get through those days and by the grace of God discovered a natural vitamin that took away my anxiety altogether, sweet relief.
That was in November and I can honestly say that I have been anxiety free since then, even through the madness of the holidays and all that comes with it. I was pretty chill during this time and able to get things done in a way that I had been neglecting for nearly a year straight. I was able to be in situations that in years past would have not been an easy feat for me. I have been doing things that I have always been incredibly scared to try, like leading a group of people in a bible study each week, cooking bacon for the first time in my life, or starting this blog.
You see, there is an overwhelming peace that comes with being keenly aware of your own emotions and those of others around you. There is also a sense of burden, confusion, and pain from not being able to separate it or turn it off. I am both humbled and honored that God would give me such a gift, and at times angry and tired and wish that He would just take it all away. But, I am thankful that I did not write my story or create the me that I am because I would miss it. I know God does not make mistakes and when He made me to care so much for others around me, He also gave me the tools that I would need to handle it and ultimately use it for good to bring glory to His name.
This past week, my anxiety returned. Not even remotely like it was before. But just enough to take my breath away, and drain me through utter exhaustion and bouts of confusion where I cannot think straight or do the things I need to do without struggling or taking twice as long to get it done. Although this week has been great in all aspects that pertain to me and my immediate family, it has not been so great for others around me; from the pain that they are enduring from loss of loved ones or the fear that comes with it once they have, to unforeseen circumstances added to an already stressful situation, it has been overwhelming.
“Blessed be the God and Father our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” 2 Corininthians 1:3-4
If you are still reading this, you are probably telling me; to stop. Mind your own business. You cannot let what is going on in other people’s lives affect you so much. It is not your problem so why are you letting it bother you. Get a grip. Focus on yourself and let other people worry about their own problems, you have enough of your own. Just pray about it, that’s all that you can do anyways.
Then I would tell you; I can’t. I was not made to. Oh trust me, I have tried. You try arguing with God and see if you win. Grow closer to God and see what he does to you. I have prayed about it and I will continue to, without ceasing, pleading with the Holy Spirit to intercede on my behalf when I do not have the strength or the words. Because that is all that I can do, and quite frankly, what I was called to do.
“Praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints” Ephesians 6:18
Yeah, it sucks. But through prayer and trusting God, it will not last forever. I do not think my anxiety has returned and is here to stay, I just think that while I am dealing with some of the emotions going on around me I need to take my anxiety as a reminder to pray, hard, for those who really need it. The gift to love others so deeply that their sorrow becomes your sorrow and their joy becomes your joy is a beautiful blessing. Sometimes it is hard to cope with, especially in times of sorrow, but I think that’s why He allows us to feel their joy too, to remind us, that even though pain may come through the night joy will come in the morning.
Beautiful Southern Heart